I think, therefore I wig myself out

I once read a book in which the whiny butthead of a main character (Briony in Atonement, for anyone interested) has this huge and rather disturbing moment in which she realizes that she exists. Now, for those of you thinking existence is kind of a duh and something dear Briony should have taken note of before puberty, let me explain. What we're talking about here is the idea that we exist in a world that's larger than the one we create in our heads. People respond to us; people notice what we do and what we say and they respond. It's that whole "no man is an island" thing: we cannot exist without being influenced by other people, and similarly we affect people just by existing. There's really no way to control it. You will be affected by others, even if you'd prefer to develop all by yourself, thankyouverymuch. Similarly, you'll affect other people, even if you don't want to. Does that make sense? I just wrote a philosophy paper, so there's really no telling if I'll be coherent today.

Anyway, this whole "existing" thing is really shocking, if you ponder it long enough. It's surprising to realize that you exist in a meaningful way for more people than just yourself. But then I think about the people who actively exist in the little world I've created for myself, and I realize that probably not all of them know how important they are to me, or how highly I think of them. Don't worry guys, I'm not going to send around mushy and belated valentines or anything. But I do wonder how many people would be surprised to meet the version of themselves that survives in my head. And I wonder how many incarnations of myself are wandering around out there.

I (like most people, I imagine) like to think that I'm the authority on myself. Even if we're still in the process of defining ourselves, it seems that we're the most likely to succeed in coming up with the correct definition because we're the only ones with direct access to our inner thoughts and emotions. But then you have to realize there are hundreds of other versions of you floating around in the world - the different perceptions people have of you. So which version is the real version of you? We want to say it's the version you have of yourself, but how often have you looked at someone else and thought you could "see" them better than they could see themselves? Maybe it's arrogant to think we can know someone better than they know themselves, but, if everyone around you thinks of you as as one thing (smart/creative/funny/boring/any subjective descriptor) and you disagree, who's right?

It's something to consider. Now, if you want to freak yourself out even more, say your name over and over and over again. Or stare at yourself in the mirror for a really long time. It gets weird, after a while, and not just because you start feeling really narcissistic.